怪女孩‧蛻變中

　　Here's the drill. Fundamentalists take it to be "the word".
　　Not translatable, not metaphorical: "the word".
　　In the Genesis, "Let it be light!" could be a metaphor for the Big Bang?
　　No. God just went click.
　　We are all descendants from Adam and Eve. So we are all cousins.
　　That's right.

　　There are miracles in the Bible.
　　Like when Moses, and I'm not talking Guns'N'Moses, no!
　　Not Charlton Heston going:
　　"Let the Jews go or pharaoh gets two in the head. No!
　　Charlton Heston, who said:
　　"Guns don't kill people... Apes with guns kill people."
　　No, Chucky! The second amendment
　　started from people going like this...
　　And that still continues. That's OK!

　　When Moses said to pharaoh: "Let my people go".
　　And pharaoh went: "In your dreams!"
　　And Moses called the God: "God, I need some help!"
　　And frogs fell from the sky.
　　Or maybe there were Jews with catapults going: "Now!".
　　Thank God it wasn't the French, 'cause they would go: "Lunch!"
　　"You're great caterers, I can't let you go, you crazy people!"

　　Frogs fell from the sky. I would be going: "Get your shit and out!"
　　I said wait a minute! That's what we should drop on Afghanistan.
　　Not bombs, not food... Fucking frogs!
　　Frogs, lizards, hamsters, shit the Heaven seen.
　　If you wanna get people out of caves, a shit load of NY rats.
　　NY rats would be going: "Hey, come on, raid!"
　　"I eat pussy literarily. Bring it on!"

　　Even then pharaoh was not impressed: "Please, David Copperfield, no!"
　　And then boils and then first born dies.
　　"That's it! Hebrews get out!"
　　And everybody...
　　Let's not wait for the bread to rise.
　　Just get the crackers and the skin off your penis. We're leaving.
　　Excuse me! Why the skin off the penis?
　　We're traveling, people. You don't want sand in there.
　　And this is so pass? The dicky thing, forget it. Let's move!

　　We're going to the desert. Then they get the 10 commandments,
　　that would be adjusted later by certain presidents.
　　And they get to the Red Sea.
　　And they go: "What now, Mr Magic, what do we do now?"
　　We're gonna walk on the "fregs bocks", the "frogs bucks...
　　Frogs backs!
　　Thank you for watching me this far.
　　Obviously, I did inhale.

　　"What do we do now, Mr BigShot?"
　　And he calls to God again and the sea parts.
　　And even the most doubting Jew is going: "You're good!"
　　Let's move, don't eat the shellfish. I'll tell you why later.
　　Where are we going?
　　To Jerusalem to start years of struggling,
　　and later to Miami to fuck up an election.
　　And then the pharaoh comes, the sea closes and he calls his cat-like God
　　but the cat-like God can't do shit, 'cause it's afraid of water.

　　And then there's another miracle.
　　The night that Mary said to Joe: "Joe, I'm pregnant."
　　Joe went: "Holly Mother of God!" She went: "You're right!"
　　- Oh, Jesus Christ! - What a great name, Joe!
　　That is so much better than Shmul. Way to go!
　　- I love you, Joe! - Hold on a minute, Mary.
　　- So I'm the step father? - Yeah.
　　I can't discipline him, I can't tell him he's wrong,
　　'cause he'll look to me saying: "You're not my real dad."
　　- How did it happen? - It's immaculate, Joe.
　　It better be, Mary! It better be immaculate!

　　I'm sorry I'm transforming Joe into Ralph Cramdon.
　　Up to that point, all the names in the Bible are very Jewish.
　　You have Noah, Moses, Zebedee and then you get Mary and Joe.
　　We're just a hyphenate away from Mary-Jean and Joe-Bob.
　　We could've had Jim Bob, the son of God.
　　Praise to him, Jim-Bob
　　He, who finds the stuff And gets me a job, Jim-Bob

　　Jesus was an only child. Thank God!
　　Who would want to be Jerry, the brother of Christ?
　　That's a tough gig.

　　"Come on, Jerry, we're going to the beach."
　　Jesus's gonna walk on the water, feed everybody, heal them
　　and get a whole bunch of disciples.
　　I'll sat there with a rash and sand in my ass. Great day for me!
　　He ends up in a bar at the age of 30 going: "Yeah, I'm Jerry Christ.
　　Yeah, I healed somebody. Come here Spot, heel! Look at that!"
　　Jesus is a carpenter, I'm a plumber. You do the math!

　　And people say to me Jesus wasn't Jewish... of course he was Jewish!
　　Thirty years old, single, living at home with his parents, come on.
　　Working in his father's business,
　　his mother thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!
　　It's an old tradition!

　　And if he was Jewish, and many of his Disciples were Jewish,
　　for the Last Supper, would they not have gone out for Chinese?
　　'Welcome to Yahweh. Hold on one minute; no service, no sandals.
　　Okay, you come in now.
　　You're twelve. All I got is two tables of six. They're not together.
　　I also have a big table by the window, but you all have to face this way.
　　You are glowing, so I guess we don't need that lamp, that's very nice!
　　You've just turned a Szechwan chicken into a live chicken, you very good!'

　　It's said that night, he turned to his disciples,
　　and said: "One of you shall betray me."
　　Peter said, "Is it me, Jesus?" Jesus said, "It is not you Peter."
　　Simon said, "Is it me, Jesus?" Jesus said, "It is not you Simon."
　　And Judas said: "Is it me, Jesus?"
　　Jesus turned to him: "Is it me, Jesus?"
　　Thus you see two traditions beginning:
　　Jewish sarcasm and Gentile humor. Together born!

　　The next day the miracle occurred: Crucifixion, Resurrection
　　and he rose again from the dead and if he sees his shadow
　　another 2000 years of guilt. Yes!
　　For me, the one big question is: how do you get Crucifixion, Resurrection
　　and then chocolate bunnies, colored eggs?
　　How do you do that one?
　　Even kids are going: "Rabbits don't lay eggs. What is this?"
　　And you don't want a kid biting the head off a chocolate Jesus.
　　You don't want a cream filled cross going...
　　You don't wanna put raspberry jam in the grass going:
　　"We're looking for Jesus, kids, come one!"

　　What are we trying to do? You're trying to keep them involved.
　　That's why we have all the saints that did all those amazing things.
　　They're all there to keep your action up.
　　And then we're starting to loose them.
　　Like Saint Christopher:
　　"Chris, sorry, babe. Dashboard sales are down."
　　"The medals aren't selling well.
　　Drop the kid off your back, pick up your stuff, you're outta here."
　　We're gonna have Saint Prada, all ladies accessories.

　　But I want a saint like Mother Teresa.
　　She said: "You can do only small things with great love."
　　And Pat Robinson said: "She's not a real Christian!"
　　"Why? 'Cause she doesn't have tag shelter and a university?"
　　Mother Teresa never had a line of products, her own perfume:
　　"Compassion" by Mother Teresa.
　　"I smell, because I care. Compassion!"

　　Gandhi never had 'Gandhi Jeans',
　　whether you're simply not eating and tell the English to get the fuck out.
　　They come in size one and below.

　　Gandhi was an amazing man.
　　They asked him: "What do you think about Western civilization?"
　　He said: "I think it would be a wonderful idea."

　　As beatific as Gandhi was, there was somebody in a Bombay bar going:
　　"I know Gandhi. He was a prick."
　　"I saw him sucking on a pork hot-dog, hitting on Mother Teresa."
　　"He kept saying: Who's your diaper daddy? Who's your diaper daddy?"
　　"I saw that with my eyes.
　　If you don't believe me, I'll bitch slap you like Shiva."

　　"Don't press this. Don't fucking do that!"
　　Don't go ding-dong, you asshole!
　　'Cause India has the atomic bomb, my friend.
　　They could turn this place into Chicken Chicha.
　　India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb.
　　And we're preparing to fight over Kashmir.
　　And your president probably thought it was a sweater. What an asshole!
　　India detonated 7 ground nuclear tests.
　　Pakistan detonated 7 ground nuclear tests.
　　And your spy satellites were like Ray Charles in the Louvre.
　　They didn't have a fucking clue.

　　India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb.
　　China has the bomb.
　　Or maybe they just have one billion people going "Bum!"
　　Russia has the bomb. "We have many bombs."
　　We don't know where they all are.
　　Maybe you want a dirty bomb.

　　And the French have a bomb, too.
　　Maybe they have a bomb that only destroys
　　restaurants under four stars.
　　They still test their bombs. They still need their bombs.
　　Where did they do the underground test?
　　In the Sahara, in the total waste land?
　　No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise.
　　Why? "Because we're French."

　　"Look a Green Peace boat coming to protest.
　　Fuck off, I sink you."
　　"I'm the badest mother fucker, am I not?"
　　"Look, I'm giving a cigarette to a baby."
　　"Suck on the cigarette. Life is shit. Get to know this."
　　"You, Americans. Fuck all of you Americans!"
　　"Americans, you politically correct. You cultureless crack Americans."
　　"We hate all of you. Fuck off!"
　　"The Germans are here. Hello, Americans!"
　　"I love you! Come on, Americans."

　　"Welcome back, Americans."
　　"You can build the Disneyland near Paris."
　　"We won't go, but build it."
　　"I will have a Minnie mouse with armpit hair. It will be great!"
　　Smoking a Galloise, going: "I never loved Mickey".
　　"He has three fingers. What am I, a bowling ball? Fuck off!"
　　"Don't love him!"

　　But there is one country that watches out for all of us:
　　the Swiss, ya! The Geneva Convention.
　　If there's ever a nuclear war, they will be the only people going:
　　"What was that noise?"
　　In their big hollowed up country,
　　with their chocolate and their watches. Ya!
　　The nice Germans. Ya!
　　Or, as they like to say, "the other white race."

　　I have only one question:
　　How can you trust an army, that has a wine opener on it's knife?
　　Many of you, men, have never open a Chardonnay under fire.
　　You take out the wine bottle, put out the cock and throw.
　　I don't know, but I've been told, Chardonnay must be self-cold
　　My God! Where did all this Impressionistic art come from?
　　And all these jewelry from 1939 to 1945?
　　Fairies must've brought it during the night.
　　I have to do the Heimlich coughing on an account number.

　　I know this one thing...
　　I know there's one country that's not developing a weapon of destruction.
　　That does not have a secret weapons' lab up in the mountains.
　　Jamaica!
　　Howdy, man!
　　Jamaica would never make an atomic bomb.
　　They may make an atomic bong.
　　When the atomic bomb goes off,
　　there's devastation and radiation.
　　When the atomic bong goes off, there's celebration!

　　Smoke a split for the communion.
　　If you don't see Jesus than, you never will.
　　I know only one thing.
　　I never met me an angry pot smoker.
　　I never met a man who said: "Hey, you fucking prick!"
　　"Oh, fuck!
　　What was I gonna do?!"
　　"Hold me, you piece of shit. Get over here!"
　　Because you see, marihuana...
　　I know this one. Wait a minute.

　　If you smoke a lot of pot, you may never become a rocket scientist.
　　Or maybe...
　　If you seen some of the things that happen lately to NASA, maybe you can.
　　The Mars Lander...
　　I did the calculations in feet,
　　but I programmed the Lander in meters.
　　So, instead of landing, fucker buried!
　　185 million dollars... oopsy!
　　Two years... splat!

　　OK, fuck! Here's a better one!
　　The Hubble Telescope...
　　I forgot to put in a lens.
　　Read the top line. "Officer Jerry, serial..."
　　"The rest is just a black hole."

　　I once called Steven Hawking. "Hello, this is Steven Hawking"
　　- I'd like to leave a message. - No. This is Steven Hawking.
　　I know one thing though.
　　Pot is not like alcohol. Alcohol changes your moods.
　　Go to a bar at happy hour and see some happy mother fuckers there.
　　Guys going: "Hey, fuck you, my man!"
　　"Hey, listen to me."
　　"Listen to me, you piece of shit."
　　"You do not know shit about fuck, my man."
　　"You want a piece of yourself?"
　　"Step outside, I'll kick my ass".
　　"I've already shit myself. I'm half way there".

　　You can deal with the genetic.
　　If you're Irish, you've got a running start
　　that you can do it better than we are.
　　Not only will you kick my ass, but you'll sing about it, afterwards.
　　　　"Oh, the night you said my wife was fat,
　　 　　I knocked you down and shit in your hat."
　　And you keep drinking 'till you're in your s and you're on a dialysis,
　　doing liver dancing Michael Flatline.
　　They say the Irish saved civilization,
　　drank a couple of Guiness
　　and forgot where they fucking put it. But that's all right!

　　The Japanese drink differently than us.
　　You could be polite during the day
　　and all of a sudden you're: "Arigato gozaimas"
　　And after five Jack Daniels: "Tide the yellow ribbon!"
　　Karaoke for an asshole with a microphone.
　　Sing, you round eyed fuck, come on!