怪女孩‧蛻變中

　　Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Robin Williams

　　Thank you!
　　Peace!
　　Are you safe up there?
　　Thank you!
　　Thank you!
　　Thank you!
　　Oh, yes!
　　Oh, yes, my little salmon head friend!
　　OK. Good night! Thank you very much!
　　Thank you for the standing ovations! We had the orgasm up front.
　　Let's have a cigarette, let's relax.
　　We are here in New York, fucking New York!
　　Yes!

　　Obviously this is not gonna be a normal night of theater!
　　This will be Shakespeare with a strap on!
　　So that's the way you like it!
　　Welcome to my lovely set from the musical "Fantastic Voyage"!
　　Or maybe the last thing a clitoris sees!

　　I'm over here!
　　I'm down here!

　　This is brought to you by HBO, a subsidiary of Time Warner,
　　also owned by America On Line..
　　You've got mail. I hope you don't have stocks!

　　Welcome!
　　Don't be afraid!
　　It was very reassuring the other day...
　　George W. Bush talked to the stock market and...
　　Him talking about business ethics
　　it's like having a leopard giving you a facial.
　　It doesn't really work !
　　"A lot of our imports come from other countries".
　　No shit, Jason?!

　　Moving right along...
　　Meanwhile, Michael is protesting...
　　I don't know, baby...
　　It was strange enough when Michael was the best man at Lisa's wedding.
　　That for me was like you're pushing the term, my man!
　　That was a pretty short list. Was Richard Simmons hunting?
　　- What are you doing? - I'm the best man!
　　Now Michael is claming racism.
　　Honey, you gotta pick a race first.
　　What are you claiming there? Mistreatment of elves?
　　Girl, you gotta pick a gender, too. What are you going for?
　　You were Diana Ross. Now you just left it all behind.
　　Michael, you're not a freak. You're just surgically enhanced...
　　and you spend more money than the Vatican.
　　If you go to Neverland, it says:
　　"You must be this high to ride Michael"

　　Obviously, the lawyers at HBO are going, "Fuck!"
　　How fucked up would you have to be
　　for Al Sharpton to go, 'I'm outta here, man!'
　　If Al Sharpton bails on your ass,
　　even rats are going, 'Man, that guy's quick!'
　　From the Don King School of hair processing...
　　He's riding for office in Idaho on the
　　"What a fucking, wild, crazy chance in hell you'll be elected" ticket.
　　Sorry, my lips just went...
　　Probably dyslexic people went: "Thank you, Habib!"
　　Thank you!

　　We were worried about the pledge of the legions.
　　We're gonna say: "One nation under dog!"
　　It's OK.
　　And now people are going: "I've got a cure for this!"
　　One nation under Canada, above Mexico.
　　But then you have to the whole...
　　Anthems like: "Someone bless America!"
　　On a dollar bill, instead of "In God We Trust",
　　"In Gates We Trust"!
　　Mr Gates, when did you realize you're creating monopoly!
　　Monopoly is just a game, senator.
　　I'm trying to control the fucking world.
　　Have you seen Windows Millenium?
　　Right now it's Information Technology.
　　Soon it will be Total Information Technology TIT.
　　And when you're sucking on the tit, I have you by the motherboard.

　　Don't be afraid!
　　It's a nice day in New York, my people.
　　NY police have a catch and release program. Way to go!
　　Stop! OK, go on again!
　　You there! Get the fuck outta here!

　　I like NY on a day like today. For a while everything went like you're OK.
　　People like to great new Yorkers: "Have a nice day, asshole!"
　　Fuck you, my friend! Enjoy your day!

　　But the most beautiful thing about a day like today in NY is
　　that the ladies take the twins for a walk!
　　Oh, yeah, the titties are out today!
　　On a hot day all the titties are out there. And God made them go like...
　　Beautiful titties, all shapes, sizes and women running they are going...
　　And then they hit a breeze and chicken's done!
　　Yeah, baby!

　　These are not like the titts in Vegas,
　　where even God goes: "I didn't make those!"
　　Fake titts are like nazis.
　　They don't laugh, they don't dance, they're just...
　　I'm walking here!
　　I've seen a woman turn and the titts stayed there.
　　It's like they don't have any teeth because they knock them out.
　　I've seen titts that are really bad
　　with the nipples on the top. They look like Culroy.

　　When you go up Madison Avenue you see some hardcore surgery like...
　　I'm so scared, but I can't express it.
　　These ladies had so much surgery are going:
　　"What are these lumps under my eyes?"
　　Those are your titts, madam!
　　- And what's this? - Don't ask, Mrs. Trotki!
　　This is good news for you.
　　And girls getting buttocks injections...?
　　- Look, I don't have any wrinkles. - You also have no expression.
　　You look like you've had a slight coma, but you're beautiful.

　　One guy say to you: "Baby, I want you to get your titts done for me!"
　　Do it for me. Do it for your daddy man.
　　And you say: "OK, daddy man!"
　　Than I want you to get your balls done for me, OK ?
　　I want you to get those big old basket balls.
　　So when you do the baywatch thingy, it's like...
　　Nothing drives a woman crazy like a big old Easter basket on her bunny.
　　You go to the doctor...
　　Girls...
　　Payback's a bitch ! Go for it, girls !

　　'Cause you went through a hard time. This whole winter was so bizzare.
　　Temperatures were like. It was fucking weird!
　　The weathermen are going:
　　"I don't fucking know what's going on!"
　　Let's just see what happens.
　　Flowers were like Anne Heche going: "I'm out, I'm in, I'm out..."
　　I don't know when to go.

　　George came back from Japan and went: "I went to the Coyote Conference"
　　- No, it's Kyoto. - That's a very good car.
　　George, walk away.

　　They say there's no global warming.
　　But right now the North Pole is a pool.
　　It is beyond global warming. At this point is cooking.
　　At in the middle of the country: "Is it hot enough for you?"
　　No, I like sweat to be rolling down the crack of my ass like Niagra.
　　I like my old man's titties to lactate, my man.
　　You see people in shorts and you're going: "Please, don't wear those!"
　　Please, don't put those on!

　　If you go to South West Airline:
　　"You're not fat, you're horizontally challenged"
　　Big people at South West Airlines have buy two seats.
　　The problem is that they are not together.
　　And you have to put your titts in the overhead rack.

　　People don't mind now. We're working our way through.
　　All over the country we've got weird things.
　　In Houston they got Enron field.
　　We're gonna call Fiftth Amendment for you.
　　We can't call it: "We're fucked for you!"

　　Arthur Anderson put in the chairs that spin both ways.
　　And now Martha Stuart may become somebody's bitch.
　　No!
　　Say it ain't so!
　　I like to consider it more like "severed companion".
　　If you only have one room, and I like to call it my "private space,"
　　use the light well. You have vertical bars, don't use horizontal blinds.
　　Also, think of your ankle bracelet as an accessory.
　　The first time she has lunch going: "You call this keesh?"
　　Shut up, bitch! You're inside now, you're mine!

　　All over things have been going good. I've been to Memphis, to Graceland.
　　I never knew that Ray Charles had a decorating license.
　　They're some severe...
　　They're colors there that have never seen daylight.

　　I've been to Nashville, I've heard people sing songs like:
　　"Take your finger outta my ass, 'cause I'm leaving you behind!"
　　Weird shit people do now. I'm sweatin' like crazy up here.
　　It's HBO, 'cause it's live.

　　People playing baseball. You've got a good seat.
　　Yankees are kicking the game, way to go!
　　They did a good job. They came through.
　　Everybody's worried about people playing baseball on steroids.
　　Here's one quick way you tell:
　　on steroids, your balls shrink and your head grows.
　　So if someone steps up to the plate
　　with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinettes, you're out!
　　Poor Barry Bonds! They won't pitch to him
　　and when they do it, they're trying to kill him.
　　He's like Yasser Arafat of baseball.

　　For Jerusalem I have an interesting plan.
　　It's called a timeshare, like Miami, let's try that.
　　Jews will get Hanukah and Passover,
　　Christians will get Christmas and Easter
　　and Muslims will have Ramadan and the other holiday, Kaboom.

　　Obviously, the people of HBO are going "Oh, fuck off.
　　What are you doing, you asshole."

　　I'm very excited because this is my time
　　when I was watching World Cup Soccer, my man.
　　I saw world cup, baby.
　　There's a few soccer fans, the rest of you are going:
　　"Uh, that's like football without pads, right?"
　　For the rest of the world, it's football.
　　For us, it's "A strange sport, played by damaged people."

　　We made it in the World Cup. Everyone plays it.
　　Not like the World Series, 'cause the French don't have a baseball team.
　　If they did, they would only have left field and no one would be safe.
　　You know what I'm saying?
　　What can you do, huh? It is Bastille day, alore.
　　The day that Marie Antoinette gave the ultimate head. Look out!
　　We are French. Fuck you, Americans, I don't care!
　　My friend Lance Armstrong is racing right now in The Tour du France.
　　And every year the French go, "He is on chemicals."
　　"It's chemotherapy, you little toad suckers."
　　Okay, he has one testicle, he's aerodynamic.
　　Everyone, cut off your balls. You'll be quicker.
　　Do it. Don't be afraid."

　　When you look at the World Cup, America finally made it.
　　We made it to the sixteenth, baby!
　　We're no longer in the "Special Olympics" category.
　　They used to see us coming: "Give it to them, they're damaged people"!
　　Thank you for the ball. I got a ball. I kick the ball!
　　Unlike the Brazilians. When they play is like...
　　And the fans...
　　Brazilians are going: "Look, I'm playing soccer...
　　Look, I'm scoring!
　　And now I'm kicking the ball."

　　Soccer is kinda mellow, you know. Is a little passive aggressive though.
　　I didn't do anything... What are you looking at?
　　It's not like hockey, when someone comes up with a stick and goes:
　　"Bang, mother fucker!"
　　That's why there are no Spanish hockey players.
　　When a white guy takes a stick and goes...
　　"Motherfucker, I'm going to cut you off now!"
　　And you, Freddie Krugger bitch, take off the mask, mother fucker!
　　Coming in there! God damn it!

　　Sometimes guys do this weird thing... They fall down and pretend like...
　　I've been killed... I've been blinded...
　　There's nobody near me, huh? OK, I'm kidding!
　　And the referee comes over: "Yellow card!"
　　Two yellow cards. "Red card!"
　　Three cards. "Green card!"
　　And the referee is so sweet, too.
　　"What's your name? Turn around.
　　Why didn't you call me after the Mexico game?

　　Not like football referees: "Too much commercial time"
　　Mad white man dancing on the field.
　　Moving away. Moving away.

　　In the World Cup they always claim there's bad refereeing,
　　someone may have been paid off.
　　Oh, shit, say it ain't so!
　　You're telling me that the Oscars are also political? Fuck off!

　　There's a game mafia!
　　The mob's hand!
　　Fairy Godfather: "Does this pistol make my ass look big?"

　　If you go to LA, there's a great greeting these people do: "Love ya!"
　　"Love you!" "Hey, love you!"

　　The worst referee was in Winter Olympics with a French judge.
　　Once again, the French fucked with us!
　　The Canadians skate perfectly. "We did it perfect, huh!"
　　And then the Russians they come and fuck up
　　and the French judge: "How like life. They fucked up, I give it to them"
　　At that point I'm going: "Where's Tonya Harding when you need her?"
　　Tonya would've been on that judge like shit on Velcro.
　　"Give me that medal, you French whore!"
　　"I won!"

　　Now we get to see Tanya Harding fight Paula Jones
　　in an all white trash weekend.
　　Trailer park Tuesday!
　　Tonya went right for the nose: "Not the nose. That's the Clinton money!"
　　Next is gonna be Joey Butafuoco fighting John Wayne Bobbit.
　　There will be no hitting bellow the belt there, my friend.
　　Fuck, man, give it back! My balls are in the front row.
　　What's next? The Nixon's daughters belt for the library money.
　　Be there as my bitches go at it.

　　At this point, even Caligula is going:
　　"What the fuck are you people doing?"
　　Why don't you have Hannibal Lector and Iron Sheff
　　just kick out the jams?
　　'Cause you got the chamber, the chair, fear factor.
　　People in Texas are going "We got those shows.
　　We just don't film them."

　　Two weeks ago, Supreme Court banned the execution of retarded people.
　　People in Texas are going, "Shit, where's the fun in that?"
　　'Cause they were zapping retarded people every other week.
　　It was like, "Go sit on Santa's lap, Timmy."
　　And I know the definition of "retarded" in Texas is pretty wide.

　　It's crazy!
　　Even a Taliban is going: "You are crazy mother fuckers!"

　　There was a guy with one leg. They wouldn't gonna give him a wooden leg.
　　He's gonna be dead man hopping.
　　There's a moment of compassion. Before the lethal injection,
　　they do an alcohol swab. Which is so nice!
　　What the fuck are you doing?
　　We don't want you to get that last second infection!
　　It's all safe now.

　　You remember the Winter Olympics. They had them in Utah. Great place!
　　What, was Amish country booked, what happened?
　　Common down to Salt Lake! We're gonna party like it's 1955.
　　Bring your wives. Oops! Come on down!
　　At the closing ceremony they introduced
　　Donnie and Marie, as the first couple of Utah.
　　I went: "Aha, honey, no! They're only a couple in Arkansas.

　　If you're going to Georgia, Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke up.
　　Jane found God and Ted found out it wasn't him.

　　About the Olympics once again,
　　we're talking about the figure skating.
　　I find the figure skating to be kinda sexy.
　　Not ice dancing, which is polka on Valium. That's not good.
　　That's that pair figure skating. There's one very special lift.
　　Where the male skater goes...
　　Right here!
　　Where even a gynecologist would go: "Put on a glove, man!"
　　Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?
　　And I'm going: "Let's cut the foreplay,
　　let's have ice fucking, come on!"
　　Nipples aroused...
　　And she holds on without her hands!
　　Even the French judge would go: "I like it!"
　　"I don't care. I'm giving them the medal. Fuck the Canadians!"
　　"So fabulous!"

　　There's other kinda sexual thing in the Olympics: the louge,
　　about which I have only one question:
　　what drunken, German gynecologist invented this sport?
　　What guy went, "I want to dress like a sperm,
　　shove an ice skate in my ass,
　　and go balls first down an ice chute.
　　Ya. That would be fun."
　　No! This is for pussies!
　　- How will you stir? - I will do Kegels!
　　I will flex my ass and go down the aisle.
　　And do not talk to me about two men louge.
　　I'm saying "Boys, get a room!"
　　Make that turn, you bastard, make it.
　　Hard right, you fucker, hard right!
　　Pour guy gets to the end of the run: "I got wood, man, I'm sorry!"
　　You cost us the race!
　　Your penis going brr was of a second winds resistance!
　　We could've won if you weren't going brrring!
　　Dolphin boy!

　　There's always some horrible drug scandal.
　　This year was a Spanish cross-country skilor...
　　Skilor, which is like a skier.
　　- Are you a skilor? - Yes!
　　They accused him of taking some performance enhancing drug.
　　Like an elephant growth hormone.
　　Are you on some sort of drug?
　　Are you taking an animal tranquilizer?
　　And they didn't bother drug-testing the snowboarders.
　　Go, go my little boys, have fun!
　　I guess they realized the word "half pipe" meant something.

　　Remember the kid who won the gold medal?
　　He was in freestyle.
　　- You wanna be on a box of Whities? - No. Count Dracula.
　　Aha, a clue, Scherlock!