怪女孩‧蛻變中

　　If ya want a linguistic adventure, go drinkin' with a Scotsman.
　　'Cause ya couldn't fucking understand them before...
　　You land in Scotland and they're going:
　　- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah?
　　- Sure. - Oh, fuck sure, eh!
　　- Sure! - Sure, you dumb fucking bastard.
　　You realize how drunk they get, they could wear a skirt and not care!

　　And only they could invent a sport like golf.
　　Here's my idea for a fucking sport.
　　I knock a ball in a gopher hole.
　　- Like pool? - Fuck off pool.
　　Not with a straight stick, with a little fucked up stick.
　　I whack a ball, it goes in a gopher hole.
　　- Oh, you mean like croquet? - Fuck croquet!
　　I put the hole hundreds of yards away.
　　Oh, fuck of ya ! Big fun, yeah!
　　- Oh, like a bowling thing? - Fuck no!
　　Not straight. I put shit in the way.
　　Like trees and bushes and high grass.
　　So you can lose you fucking ball.
　　And go whacking away with a fucking tire iron.
　　Whacking away, and each time you miss you feel like you'll have a stroke.
　　Fuck that's what we'll call it, a stroke,
　　cause each time you miss you feel like you're gonna fucking die.
　　Oh great, oh and here's the better part. Fuck, this is brilliant!
　　Right near the end, I'll put a little flat piece
　　with a little flag to give you a fucking hope.
　　But then I'll put a little pool and a sand box,
　　to fuck with your ball again.
　　Ay, you'll be there cracking you ass, jacking away in the sand.
　　- And you do this one time? - Fuck no!
　　18 fucking times!

　　That's my idea of a sport!
　　The manly sport of golf,
　　where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care.
　　Even a gay blind man would go: "Oh, dear Christ!"
　　"Those are loud. This is no carnival. What a fuck are you on?"
　　Even the alligators are going: "Asshole!"
　　It's such an athletic sport: whack the ball, get in the car.
　　Whack the ball, get in the car.

　　And the commentary's electrifying.
　　Just this side of Curling, for really getting me going.
　　Third hole.
　　Could people be quiet, I'd like to hear the grass grow.
　　I'd like the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time.
　　The ball is ready.
　　Hole!

　　Just to see all those waspy mother fuckers going:
　　"Oh, dear Christ!"
　　"My God, they're not gardening, they're playing now, oh, shit!"
　　What a hell we gonna do? That was their last domain of dominance.
　　It was their area. They were the kings.
　　Up until Tiger!

　　Son of a black man and a Thai woman.
　　Not even a German geneticist could've thought than one up!
　　Black athletic ability, Buddhist concentration.
　　Crouching Potter.
　　And than he goes to the British Open,
　　and he plays at Saint Andrews, who the fucking invented the sport.
　　And after the forth round, he'sunder par.
　　And there's only 18 fucking holes.
　　And all the old men going: "My God, we're doomed!"
　　"How did he learn to play? We wouldn't have let him join."
　　And they start having nightmares of golf carts going...
　　　　Yo, yo, yo I'm playing through
　　　　Whether you're gentile or a Jew
　　　　Mother fucker!

　　All the gentle sports are no longer gentle. Tennis used to be...
　　Untill the Williams sisters...
　　-love? - No. That's good love, baby!

　　Even boxing is changed.
　　Before people were saying "I go to boxing to watch the sport of boxing."
　　like saying, "I go to stock car races to see people take left turns all day."
　　No, you go to boxing to see somebody get the fuck beat up.
　　Even the guy who loses is going: "I have 18 million dollars."
　　"I don't know where the fucking is.
　　I'm gonna buy me a big ass house, but I can't find it. Fuck off!"

　　Boxing was the same. And then: Mike Tyson!
　　Mike Tyson comes along and bites somebody.
　　Let's get ready to nibble!
　　"Oh, dear God, he bit somebody!"
　　I'm saying "You're lucky he just bit somebody.
　　Mike just got out of prison. You're lucky he didn't fuck him."
　　You bite somebody in jail: "You're ready bitch, you're mine!"
　　- Break it up! - We're not finish.
　　Mike said to a journalist: "I'm gonna fuck you, too! You love me."
　　At that point I'm going: "Someone didn't come here to box, baby."
　　Mike said: "I'm on Zoloft, so I don't kill you, mother fuckers!"
　　I'm going: "Up the dosage, Mike!"

　　There's all these drugs: Zoloft, Prozac.
　　I wanna have one drug encompassing it all.
　　Call it "Fuck It All".
　　I don't feel anything. I don't wanna do anything. "Fuck It All"
　　The closest thing to a coma you'll ever be. "Fuck It All"
　　I'm sitting here in my own dong. "Fuck It All"!

　　The scary thing about drugs is that they have horrible side effects.
　　"May cause artificial insemination."
　　What? What do you mean?

　　There's a product called Olestra, which is a very strange thing.
　　Olestra? What is that?
　　It's said on a little said: "May cause anal leakage."
　　That's not a side effect if my ass is going...
　　I'd say that's an effect, really!
　　"Fire in the hole!" Bad day!
　　- How you're doing, Bob? - Just a little anal leakage, Ted.
　　Bob, you wanna get out of the pool right now?

　　I want science to help me. God, look at me! Look at this!
　　I had women in NY saying: "Don't wear fur!"
　　The politically correct... red paint: "Fuck off, lady, it's me!"
　　I'm a fucking Chia Pat.
　　I went to the Zoo and had monkeys go:

　　Anybody who thinks the Zoo is a happy place,
　　go watch the monkeys wait for groups of school children.
　　Watch the fun. The monkeys sit there, like...
　　"Wait for it".
　　"Wait till the teacher comes with the video camera."
　　"Now!"

　　Because they're not happy.

　　Even the poor animals like Ling Ling the Panda,
　　she must mate, so you can build a wing on the Zoo.
　　They go to China, they anesthetize a Panda,
　　which is kinda redundant...
　　They bring him back to America and give him a name like Ping Pong.
　　When his Chinese name was Who Shu Ko Hu,
　　Bear with Balls of Steel.
　　They put him in a cage with Ling Ling, saying: "Go, mate!"
　　He looks at her like: "I would never fuck her!"
　　"That is one ugly Panda bitch."
　　"If you were Panda, you'd know that's the fucking ugliest Panda bitch."
　　I wouldn't have fuck her with a Koala's dick!
　　Fuck off!
　　I would rather lick my own balls, than fuck that Panda bitch!

　　There's only one animal who can tell you
　　if she's happy and wants to mate.
　　That is Coco, the silver back Gorilla.
　　She saw me, the blue eyed simian.
　　She was intrigued.
　　She said to her trainer...
　　- What is that mean? - She wants you to tickle her.
　　OK, I tickle her...
　　Then she goes...
　　- What is that mean? - She wants you to lift your shirt.
　　I lift my shirt, she reaches out and grabs both my nipples.
　　And when an 800 pound Gorilla's got you by the titts...
　　you listen!
　　Then my balls went: "Somebody wants to play."
　　- Should we go to phase two? - NO! Do not go to phase two!
　　"I repeat! Do not go to lift off!"
　　"This may feel like a human, but notice the placement of the tumbs."
　　"This is not a human!"
　　"Do not go to phase two!"
　　"Warning! Warning!"

　　She must've sense something, 'cause she grabs me by the hand,
　　takes me in the back. Daktari meets Delivrance.
　　I'm expecting the Crocodile Hunter to walk out and go:
　　"Cranky! She wants to fuck his brains out."
　　"Watch out, boys and girls. Danger! Danger! Danger!"
　　"This could be like that time I put my finger in a crock's cloette."
　　But part of me went: "Could be fun!"
　　Would make a great story for a bar.

　　A guy's going: "I had a wild night in Vegas."
　　"Yeah? I banged a Gorilla."
　　"Where's everybody going?"
　　And you don't want that late night phone call: "Hello?"
　　"Don't call me!"

　　Maybe it's because I'm 50.
　　When you hitthe old machinery doesn't work so well.
　　You're at a public rest-room: "How're you doing? Great game today."
　　"Oh, boy!"
　　What's happened is: your prostate is bigger than your ego now.

　　When you're in your 40s, you go to the doctor they have to do the old...
　　First time is: "Oh, my God!"
　　"I'm just putting on the glove, Mr Williams"
　　I went back the second time and I moaned another doctor's name.
　　Don't do that!
　　- Who's Dr Smith? - You're the only one!

　　When a woman has to go to the gynecologist,
　　you don't want a doctor who has a hobby.
　　You don't want a gynecologist who's also a magician.
　　You don't want: "How are we today? Uh, a dove!"
　　"What's this?!"
　　"Is this your card?"

　　I don't want a doctor who's a proctologist and ventriloquist. No!
　　How you're doing today?
　　Take your hand out' of my ass. I'm not a Muppet. Move it!

　　In your s it's no longer the... It's the ortho-proctoscope.
　　The colonoscopy. That's what W did.
　　It's a video camera at the end of a rodeo rudder.
　　And it's going up you!
　　Suddenly, you're your own Discovery Channel Special.

　　"Slowly, we're going up Robin's colon."
　　"This must be what you see."
　　"Slowly up ahead, a burger he had in 85'."
　　- Is that a polyp? - That's a fart, Mr Williams.
　　To go further up your ass, they blow air.
　　Now you're a fucking party favor.
　　Oh, doctor, give me all you can take! I'm a man. Give me 20 psi!
　　You feel like a Pita, you think little Mexican kids
　　are gonna come out and go: "Get the presents!"
　　The air is coming this way. The farts are going: "Incoming!"
　　"It's not a... No finger! It's the midget!
　　"Fall back behind the shit, wait for my command!"
　　"Prepare to make the wet sloppy noise!"
　　The moment they pull out off your ass, you are on Heaven road!
　　　　Rolling, rolling, rolling Keep that colon flowing!
　　40 miles, blowing outta you!

　　You put on your pants and floating like a balloon on America's Cup.
　　Come on, Jimmy.
　　Then you realize... Oh, shit, fire in the hole!
　　Tighten up boys, we're not gonna drop here.
　　Thank you, doctor. See you next week.
　　Hold the elevator!
　　Fuck you, you bastard!
　　Seven flights of stairs.
　　Everybody you pass, you're going: "It's me!"
　　Dogs look at you like: "Roll over, man, you're dad!"
　　You just wanna borrow a match. Give me that!
　　Flaming asshole.

　　That's what you are. You're a flaming asshole! You're 50!

　　And can they make a drug to help you through all of that,
　　to keep all of your organs intact until your golden years? No!
　　Can they make a drug to give you
　　mental clarity to your golden time? No!
　　They've got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra!

　　Grandpa can have wood again.
　　- I don't need the walker! - I see that!
　　And your Grandmother's going:
　　"Shit! I thought the war was over!"
　　"Get me a tetanus shot, if you gonna stick me with that rusty thing!"

　　People have died on Viagra. They had to have an open coffin!
　　"I don't remember Pete being like that."
　　"Kids, go get some horse shoes".
　　"He would've wanted it that way."
　　You used to get that from some strange Chinese aphrodisiacs.
　　Humming bird eyelash and rhino horn.
　　To give you great masculinity.
　　But now you're on Viagra. You're FrankenCock!
　　You are the Inseminator!
　　You are ready to go!
　　You're gonna be going for one hour, one hour and a half!

　　Guys are going: "Yeah!" Women are going:...
　　'Cause after the first hour, your wife is going:
　　Yay, oh, big daddy...
　　Listen, I got shit to do, OK?
　　"Hello!"
　　"Yeah, I'll be late today. Viagra, fucking..."
　　"I'll try and get there. Go outside with that thing!"

　　You can't go outside with a hard-on
　　cause the cat just waits for you to go...
　　And your dog is going: "Wow, you too?!"
　　Can't go to work like:
　　- Hey, Bob! - How're you, Pete?
　　I'm happy to be here today.

　　Direct traffic, no, you can't do shit!
　　You have to make it go away. You slap it.
　　It's like one of those Punch-Me clowns.
　　"I'm not going anywhere!"
　　You have to freeze it up.
　　In the old days was...
　　Now, after an hour and a half,
　　you've got more semen than the Fifth Fleet.

　　So, when you go, it's like...
　　Oh, my eyes!
　　And your wife goes: "Now you know how it feels, asshole!"
　　Aim for the titts, Hawk Eye!
　　I'm like the Lawn boy. Get out!
　　Save yourselves!
　　- Not the drapes! - Too late.. I own them now.

　　You run out of semen and your testicles are going:
　　"We still got an erection, chief!"
　　Give me blood, give me urine, any fluid!
　　Oh, God, please make this fucking shit go away!
　　You do every goofy, fucking orgasmic thing...

　　Don't touch it!
　　Don't look at it!
　　Don't even think about it!
　　And then you realize that God gave you a penis and a brain.
　　And only enough blood to run one at a time.

　　You have lost thoughts from your childhood.
　　And then you hear these words from your lady: "My turn!"
　　You can't fucking be serious!
　　Look at me, I'm Glue Boy! What are you doing?
　　That's right, Corky! Time to saddle up.
　　We're heading South of the border.
　　You gotta please Missy.

　　I have one question for the ladies:
　　Do we look like this?
　　Are you almost there?
　　No, no, no. I will finish!
　　I love you!
　　I love you! I will finish.
　　I can take it. I just can't feel my tongue.
　　Who's your daddy?
　　I love you!
　　I will finish.

　　Good night!
　　Thank you!
　　Thank you!
　　This night for New York!
　　What are we gonna do tonight?
　　Good night!
　　You're the best!
　　We did it!
　　My pink lady...