怪女孩‧蛻變中

　　Right now they're up there watching. "Hi, Mr Edgecroft."
　　We're now under the offices of Homeland Security.
　　Tom Ridge ever so often goes: "Today is a blue day." "No, orange" "Red".
　　They had to be very careful picking that name: "Homeland Security".
　　They couldn't say Fatherland because a lot of the old Germans are going:
　　"That's a good one!"
　　But Homeland sounds like Homefront Security,
　　which was England during WWII.
　　Old men with pitchforks and colostomy bags, defending England!
　　There they were, Rudolph has personally:
　　"I threw my colostomy bag, covered him in shite
　　and said 'Get off of that fucker, you fucker, get out'"

　　And I also find out now, that Winston Churchill,
　　one of the greatest orators of all time,
　　may have been so fucked up on cognac and champagne,
　　that he didn't do some of his great speeches.
　　They were done by a man from the BBC, who also did "Winnie the Pooh".
　　will fight them on the beaches, in the air, on the land!
　　Eeyore and Tigger!'

　　And, he was fighting against Hitler!
　　A man who a book recently declared was a homosexual,
　　and I always thought this was a clue!
　　That and the leather and the dancing!

　　We are now finding ourselves once again drown to England
　　during these troubled times.
　　Tony Blair, a militant liberal.
　　Here, George W Bush, compassionate conservative.
　　This sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack, but...

　　Here, Tony Blair, a man who addressed the House of Common,
　　which is like Congress, with a two drink minimum, crazy place!
　　- I believe my worthy opponent... - Fuck off!
　　I'll bullet you, bastard. Fuck you!
　　Would someone remove Ms Tatcher from the chamber?

　　Tony said: "This heinous incident has brought us
　　to the edge of oblivion..."
　　"But our civilization shall endure!"
　　And there's poor W going: "Shit, I can't even spell that."

　　'Cause you look at Bush and you realize it's Bush 2.0.
　　It's a piner release. It came with certain bugs in the software.
　　"This country will not be taken hostile,
　　oops, delete, delete, hostage."

　　And you look at him and realize he has a short attention span.
　　"Our economy is going... oh, look at the kitty".
　　He kinda reminds me of a guy in college with a towel going... gotcha!
　　You just don't want him to drive.
　　Some men are born great, some achieve greatness,
　　some get it as a graduation gift. It's OK!

　　Historically...
　　You must look at it from a historical perspective.
　　He's George the second. The boy-king.
　　A man we thought could only loose, but somehow won,
　　because of confused Hebrews. Yes!

　　W doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water. Check it out!
　　When everything went down,
　　they put W out there, but they protected Cheney.
　　Cheney had an angioplasty. Most people wait till it heals.
　　He was like: "I'm perfectly fine!"
　　"I'm OK!"
　　And there's Ashcroft in the back: "Work your arms, you asshole!"

　　You have to remember, John Ashcroft is a man
　　who lost to a dead man in Missouri.
　　Choices in Missouri were: John Ashcroft - Dead Man.
　　And people in Missouri went:
　　"I'm sorry, John, but the dead man scares me less than you do."

　　Here's the drill for me. You know what's strange?
　　It doesn't scare me that W. waved at Stevie Wonder.
　　That's OK.
　　Stevie's only been blind since birth!
　　And there's W. going: "Stevie !"
　　Even Stevie Wonder's going, "Is that mother fucker waving at me?
　　Does he think I'm looking for him? Goddamn!"

　　No! What scares me
　　is that W almost died from a fucking pretzel.
　　We have billions of dollars in national defense.
　　They want billions more for national security.
　　And he almost fucking goes down from snack food!
　　Secret Service is going: "Games over, man!"
　　"Gilligan's down. Gilligan's down."
　　"Step away from the chip, sir!"
　　We have to have people go: "Hydrate, you bastard!"

　　His own dogs didn't give a shit. They were licking him for the salt.
　　You need a dog that cares. A dog like Lassie.
　　"What's wrong, Lassie? The President swallowed something
　　and you did the Heimlich?"
　　"What else, girl?"
　　"Mr Cheney is meeting with the Enron people?"
　　"An Enron employee is secretary of the Navy?"
　　"What about the Harken loan?"
　　"Sorry, girl, we gonna have to put you down."

　　Oh, Kenny Boy. The Feds, the Feds are coming.
　　Welcome, boys and girls, to Disney's new ride.
　　Investment pirates of the Caribbean.
　　Your money checks in, it doesn't check out.

　　Sometimes you catch George unprepared and he says unusual things.
　　- Mr Bush, what are we gonna do?
　　- We're gonna conduct a crusade.
　　And everybody in the room went...
　　All throughout the Middle East...
　　Hide the women and children and the number zero, they're coming!
　　And you can't bomb the Afghanis back to the stone age
　　because they'll go: "Upgrade. Fun!"

　　Today's bombing raid has enlarged the hole from yesterday's bombing raid.
　　We have moved trouble from here, to here.
　　In the upper right corner, possible member of the Talibans,
　　or "concubine", we're not sure.
　　We did fire the million dollars cruise missile and we're successful.
　　Operation "Extreme Redundancy" is carrying on!

　　Then we dropped bombs, food, food, bombs.
　　And here's the fun part:
　　some of the bombs were little yellow bombs...
　　and the food packages were little yellow packages.
　　So now you're playing "Survivor: The Real Game."
　　"I was here yesterday... I'm gonna go for this one today..."

　　And what was in those packages?
　　Pop-Tarts, peanut butter,
　　all you need is a honey-baked ham and you'll have a Redneck Christmas.
　　Who dropped the honey-baked ham on the Muslims?

　　Why are we dropping Pop-Tarts and peanut butter on Afghanistan?
　　Number one: it taste a shit load better than dirt.
　　Number two and more importantly:
　　It's very difficult to have a call to Jihad
　　with a mouth full of peanut butter.
　　Secondly... or thirdly, for those keeping track...
　　Afghanistan is a hashish smoking culture.
　　And everyone who's ever been a friend of the Hooka will go:
　　"Pop-Tarts!"
　　Yes! Got milk?

　　We're trying to win hearts and minds. How do we do that?
　　We build an amusement park "Muslim Mountain" with Gadafi ducks? No!
　　Do we have a wet burger contest? No!
　　Do we play Cat Stevens' records all day? "Fuck off!"
　　Drop Martha Stuart's titts? No!
　　Do we have a children show called "Saudi Dudi"? No!

　　What we must do is go the way you gotta get a sister. You know?
　　You gotta get a sister from Brooklin.
　　You know what I mean, aha, girl? You know what I'm sayin'?
　　One of those bitches you see on Jerry Springer.
　　Drop her ass in Kabul, she'll go:
　　"Girl, you don't have to dress like a mother fucking beekeeper!"
　　"You don't have to be Casper's bitch, forget all that!"
　　If he picks up a rock, 'cause you're talking to another man,
　　you pick a bigger rock and say: "Hit the fan, mother fucker!"
　　He tries to cut off your clitoris, make you a Barbie doll,
　　you grab a knife and say: "Lorena Bobbit time!"
　　"Don't make me, 'cause I'll go Oprah on your ass. Don't make me!"

　　We're dealing with fundamentalists...
　　Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try
　　and hijack a carriage at needlepoint.
　　And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man
　　with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic.

　　Who are we looking for?
　　Ossama Bin Laden, one of 52 children.
　　Even Freud would say: "He has issues."
　　What does he look like without the beard?
　　Howard Stern, Barbra Streisand? I don't know, I don't care!
　　I know this: he's a six foot five Arab on dialysis...
　　Why is that so fucking hard to find?
　　Look for somebody attached to their luggage.

　　I also know this. When you see the tapes of him, you see a psychopath.
　　Wait a minute. We have some of our own!
　　Theodor Kasinsky, sitting around with nothing to do.
　　Ted's played "A Beautiful Mind", the home game.
　　You give Ted a mailing list and some tools...
　　Ted, these people have been bad.
　　- Are they bad? - Very bad!
　　- I just want a few things.
　　- I know you do!
　　Or we get Charles Manson. Great organizer, incredible with chicks.
　　You can't use him.
　　Chucky all the time comes out for parole
　　with a swastika on his forehead.
　　- I'm better. - In many ways, yeah.
　　- What would you do if you got out? - I'd kill everybody.

　　What are we dealing with?
　　One of the fundamental things is in a Jihad.
　　Sounds like a country western term like Jeeha.
　　And if you are in a Jihad and you kill an infidel
　　which, I'm sad to say, is all of us
　　and you yourself die...
　　you go to heaven and you are greeted by 71 dark-haired virgins.
　　Now everyone who's ever been with one virgin is going...
　　"I don't know..."
　　"For my talent portion..."

　　Recently, there was a article in the New York Times,
　　a Koran scholar said:
　　"The actual translation is not 71 dark-haired virgins,
　　but 71 crystal clear raisins."
　　Slight difference in interpretation, really.
　　It's like instead of "Thy shall not kill" is "Thy shall not wear a kilt".
　　And the Scottish are going: "Fuck off!"
　　Imagine some guy blows himself up, goes to the gates of Heaven:
　　- Where are my bitches? - Here are your raisins.
　　Or 71 Virgils going: "You got a pretty face!"

　　Ossama Bin Laden goes to the gates of Heaven,
　　there's George Washington going:
　　"How dare you defy that what we created"
　　and gets violent on his ass.
　　70 other members of the Congress start kicking the shit outta him.
　　Ossama: "Where are the virgins?"
　　"71 Virginians, you asshole!"
　　"I must talk to Jesus Christ!"
　　"Where is Jesus Christ?"
　　And Saint Peter goes: "Hey, Jesus, did you call a cab?"

　　I heard it. Finally the PC's.
　　We crossed the politically correct line.
　　It's OK to beat the shit out of them, but don't do the Ethnic jokes.
　　How Buddhist of you!

　　Remember when they destroyed the two Buddhas?
　　What did Buddha do? Nothing!
　　What is the Buddhist terrorist do?
　　Goes in the middle of the street, takes the gas... Self barbecue!
　　People are killing each other in the name of God:
　　"What the fuck are you doing?"
　　Making your deal with your shit.

　　I don't understand the whole fundamentalist thing.
　　I'm an Episcopal. That's catholic light.
　　Same religion, half the guilt. It's frightening.
　　Catholics have confession, Episcopals have:
　　"Thanks Giving your father has a couple of gin and tonics"
　　"I never loved you mother, you know that, don't you?!"
　　"I didn't, dad. And she's right there. Tell her again."

　　Episcopal is basically Church of England which was Henry the-8th
　　breaking away from the Catholic Church: "I'm the fucking Pope now!"
　　Than people broke away from that church,
　　the Calvinists found him to be too loose.
　　Than the Puritans broke away from the Calvinists, our ancestors,
　　people so uptight, the English kicked them out.

　　How anal do you have to be for the English to go: "Get the fuck out!"
　　"Take your pimp shoes and go!"
　　And they land here in America going: "Hello!"
　　"We bring you guilt, syphilis and alcohol."
　　"Here chief, try this and once you drunk it,
　　 keep moving towards your feathers flow. There you go!"
　　And the Indians go: "We have a gift for you."
　　For us is a secret herb. For you it will be an addictive carcinogen.
　　"Tobacco is a lot of fun. And a good cash drop, yeah."

　　"Welcome to Clusters. The Casino that cares.
　　This is my wife. She sits for the full house.
　　It's time for the white men to get drunk.
　　And we'll get back the land you took from us."

　　The Puritans stayed here and groups broke away from them
　　and then we got the people who knock on your door
　　at: 6:30am on Sunday going: "Have you found Jesus?"
　　You just wanna come to the door nude and go:
　　"No. Help me look for him! Come on!"

　　People like Pat Robinson and Jerry Falwell say:
　　"This was brought upon us by our sinful ways."
　　I wanna put them on a plane, take them to the ayatollah
　　and have world wide fundamentalist wrestling.
　　One time only. A life after death match for all of our souls.
　　Let's get ready to humble.