怪女孩‧蛻變中

　　The poor Canadian snowboarder, in 1998 Olympics,
　　they took away his medal because he tested positive for marijuana,
　　which is kinda redundant number one.
　　Number two, they said that marijuana was a "performance-enhancing drug".
　　Marijuana enhances many things, colors, tastes, sensations,
　　but you are certainly not fucking empowered.
　　When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet.
　　The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is
　　if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run.
　　Then you'll be like...
　　Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, "I'm there!"
　　Pour Canadian snowboarder. They asked for his medal back
　　and he couldn't find it. It was around his fucking neck!
　　Get out of here, you little goofy Canadian bastard, eh.
　　They have weird sports like the Biathalon
　　which is like Norwegian Drive-By.
　　Get the TV, Hans!
　　The Canadians won the gold medal in hockey.
　　God bless you Canadian people.
　　You're so fucking nice eh.
　　It's your only fucking sport, come on!
　　That and a mutant form of football.
　　"We've got 13 men, we have a longer field"
　　You have fun, enjoy!

　　Canada's like a loft apartment over a really great party.
　　Keep it down, eh!
　　We are nice. We have Jean Chrien, our great prime minister.
　　He was the only man in the world: "I don't need no secret service"
　　"If a guy comes to hit me, I fucking knock him out eh."
　　"I'm Jean Chrien. First was your president, who's a cretin".
　　Quebec is going to break away from Canada, but still keep the currency.
　　It's like a kid moving out of the house,
　　"but I still would like to get money". Fuck off you!

　　Canadian money is also called "the Looney".
　　How can you take an economic crisis seriously?
　　- The Looney is down! - Oh, how sad for you!

　　What are you saying, eh?
　　Everyone was so happy that at the Olympics the security was so tight.
　　Security was amazing at the Olympics.
　　You chose the whitest fucking State in the Union!
　　An Arab in Utah is like an albino at the Apollo. You would notice!
　　- I found one! - It's just Ted. Everybody out!

　　The problem was that there was basically white powder everywhere.
　　All the dogs looking for Anthrax were going:
　　"You go, man, you go!"
　　Pour dogs they looked for Anthrax and cocaine.
　　In the cage at the end of the day they're going:
　　"I can't taste my ass, I don't know why?"
　　"It's my tail!"
　　Meanwhile your cat sits over there going:
　　"You're still an asshole, you know that".

　　Is it me, or are cat's drag queens?
　　The way they kinda go: 'Who loves Kitty?'
　　"Are these your shoes?"
　　Who loves Kitty? Who loves Kitty?

　　Male cats have an amazing thing,
　　kinda walk around going: "That's mine!"
　　"Mine!"
　　"I like that too."
　　Thank God men aren't like that!
　　"Nice car, Bob. Mine now!"
　　- What are you doing? - Just shopping!

　　The whole Anthrax thing had people going...
　　They said: "Don't open your mail!"
　　- Why? - There's white powder in envelopes.
　　Really?!
　　Your mother and I used to look for white powder in envelopes.
　　We weren't on-line. We did lines, my friend.
　　And there were ninjas on the fucking line, trying to kill us.

　　And now, there are people trying to kill us.
　　And that's why I bought a gas mask.
　　I can't even get a condom on when I want to!
　　"Hey, baby. Yeah, I got a love glove. Hold on."
　　"I'll be right with you, honey."
　　"Don't go away on me now."
　　You're playing "Beat the cock".
　　"I got it, I got it!"
　　There's your penis like a midget in a diving suit...
　　"I don't think we're going in today, Pete.
　　We didn't make the deadline."

　　Remember when they sent Anthrax to Tom Daschle's office?
　　And they cleared that fucking place out.
　　Everybody out, come on! Helmets, suits, they're all leaving.
　　And when the Congressman walked out they go:
　　"But the rest of you, go about your lives."
　　"Everything is perfectly OK."
　　"We'll be miles away."

　　It's like when you go to the dentist and he puts a little lead over your balls.
　　He walks behind concrete, going: "You'll be fine!"
　　How can you tell if Congress was sick?
　　It's night of the living dead anyway.
　　All those old senators going:
　　"The confederate flag is just the symbol of states' rights."
　　Yeah, and the swastika is just a good luck charm.

　　When did Ted Kennedy become Jabba the Hutt?
　　He's huge!
　　You're a Kennedy, not a Maisy's day float, come on!
　　Bring him down. We're voting!
　　Step away, boy. I said "no" to the Crispy Cream.

　　Congress recently approved the covert plan
　　to assassinate Saddam Hussein.
　　So what they've done, is PUBLICLY approve
　　the secret plan to assassinate Hussein.
　　I wonder if he knows?

　　I know there's a cure for bio terrorism or whatever it is.
　　And it lies within Keith Richards, I know that.
　　He is the only man on the planet
　　who can go: "Anthrax? All right..."
　　Doesn't go with my E. cola, but fuck...!
　　Keith is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish.
　　I've seen him going to a drug dealer who said: "I'm out, man!"
　　"I have nothing left."

　　Supposedly he goes to Switzerland and changes his blood.
　　Not like one pike, but like a fucking Chevrolette, all of it.
　　I just wanna know who gets his blood?
　　Some old Swiss man going:
　　"You've gotta go on tour, bitch!"
　　"We gotta pay for mixed babies."
　　We may all be dead and gone,
　　Keith will still be there with five cockroaches.
　　He'll be going, "I smoked your uncle, did you know that?
　　Fucking crazy..."

　　Every so often, Rumsfeld comes out and goes,
　　"I don't know where. I don't know when.
　　But something awful's going to happen.
　　Thank you, that's all for today, no further questions."
　　Excuse me, can you give me a clue?
　　What is it, the Central "Intuitive" Agency now?
　　Are you working with Miss Cleo?

　　I don't know where, I don't know when,
　　but sometin' awful's gonna happen!
　　And definitely don't marry that fat man.
　　He only wants you for your money, girl!
　　People are suing Miss Cleo for fraud. I went: "Fucking da!"
　　What do you want? A blind tarot card before you go, "Ah ha!"
　　If she's a psychic, why does she need a fuckin' phone number?
　　Number two, that fake Jamaican accent?
　　If she was a real psychic,
　　she'd be one of those Louisiana psychics, like, "You gonna die!"
　　They have to puck your ass up
　　and have a place for your bike, come on now!
　　It's like buying hair care products from Cher.
　　She's wearing a wig, you idiot!

　　Take that abdominal thing helping you lose weight
　　while it shocks your fat ass sitting watching TV.
　　I'm getting six-pack-abs by knocking my testicles around!
　　You strap that to your head.
　　And say, "I will not buy stupid shit for no reason!"

　　Now we are in troubled times.
　　When it happened, I thought the Statue of Liberty would change.
　　Instead of "Give me your tired and your poor,"
　　it would be her with a baseball bat going "You want a piece of me."

　　There was hardcore security. In NY stopping people in the tunnel..
　　In Washington they had F-s flying, air cover everywhere.
　　In San Francisco, not so hardcore security.
　　At Golden Gate Bridge there's a Hummer and I'm talking about the car.
　　One Hummer here, two Guardsmen, same at the other end of the bridge.
　　The problem is that the Hummer and the Guardsmen
　　are in jungle camouflage.
　　For those who never been to SF, the bridge is bright orange.
　　So I feel like going: "Be vely, vely quiet.
　　We're wooking for tewwowists."

　　Airport security, before all this happened it was:
　　"Beep, OK, get on the plane, come on."
　　"What's that? Oh, that's a gun. OK, get on the plane."
　　You could carry a four inch blade, that's about that long.
　　Now, you can't even take a nail-clipper on a plane.
　　What, are they afraid you're gonna go "All right!
　　Give me the plane or the bitch loses a cuticle.
　　I have a nail file. I can be irritating."

　　And if you have a steak or a piece of meat, they won't give you a knife.
　　It's like the quest for fire flight.
　　"Sir, you're making a lot of noise."
　　The Hindu man in the back is going: "Hold the bowl higher".
　　"Don't be afraid to beg, use your hands."

　　Now the airport security is tight. You go through the metal detector
　　and if you are heavily pierced, like some of my friends:
　　"Take out your keys, sir."
　　"Tip of the iceberg."
　　For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert.
　　I'm sure that was his last wish.
　　I'm sure Albert said, "Victoria, I'm dying.
　　I want you to name a museum, a performance hall
　　and a bolt through the cock after me."
　　"That will be Victoria's Secret. Go, my darling."
　　"Say a little song to people that have little anal floss."

　　And I'm talking heavily pierced.
　　Not like Britney Spears: "I'm a virgin!"
　　Yeah and Michael Jackson is the father. Move on!
　　I'm talking like a hoop through your nipple.
　　You know, lady.. I'm guessing!
　　Just the kind when your clothes are going...
　　When you have a big hoop, what you're gonna do? Tie up a pony? No!
　　Or you have two. He's and hers towels, whatever you want!
　　A towel down here, so you can wash up. Fun!

　　It's interesting when you see a girl with a bolt through her tongue.
　　Why did you do that?
　　To enahthe the thekthual thtimulathon.
　　"Nothing drives my boyfriend crazy
　　like the feel of cold steel on his hot rock."
　　"But the problem is I ended up knocking out all my teeth
　　and living in a trailer park with a man named Bubba."

　　That's the trade-off, my darling.
　　You get a tattoo with a barb wire at
　　and by the time you'reit's fucking picket fence.
　　And Madonna turns into Mother Hamilton.
　　"I'm dying, melting."

　　Here's what you wanna do.
　　When I was growing up I didn't have Playboy or Penthouse. Sad for me!
　　But I had National Geographic
　　and the girls that got me crazy...
　　You know the ones with the slinky neck going...
　　Do that, drive your parents crazy going down the stairs...
　　Or do the full ubangy go:
　　"Mom, dad, it's also a CD-player".
　　And you can take out the plate and jump with your lower lip.
　　Have fun!
　　Watch grandma go: "Shit!"

　　Union guys going: "Don't touch it, Mr Williams!"
　　This shit is gonna be more precious than oil.
　　Ten years from now, it's already started to happen. People going:
　　"I got water.
　　And if you want it cold, I got ice, mother fucker."

　　Going on the planes now, a sweet little Southern stewardess going:
　　"Ladies and gentlemen, before we board flight five,
　　we're just gonna do a few random bag checks."
　　"These are totally random."
　　"I'm just gonna read of a few names:"
　　"Has'N'T'Been' Seen,
　　Akeem Been'Laid,
　　Have'N'T'Been Fucked,
　　Judy Smith?

　　14 arabs and a blonde?
　　And every black and Hispanic man in the room is going: "Thank you, God!"
　　"Oh, yes, we're off the list, mother fucker, yeah!"
　　"They're gonna be fucking with you now, Habib."
　　"You better learn to go orderly."

　　They take the knitting needles from the eighty-year-old lady,
　　'Why, cause I'm gonna knit an Afghan?' Give 'em to me!
　　And they're patting a five year old boy down, and he's going,
　　'What are you doing? You're not a priest, let go of me!'
　　I see! You've had a problem too, I guess.

　　Father pats little boys down, like,
　　'Good game, boy, good game! Wash up, really wash up!'
　　They caught them, but they had a divine witness protection program.
　　Find the priest, here's the pity fall,
　　here's the priest, find the pity fall.
　　Don't you ask, don't you tell, You might end up right in Hell.
　　Here's your check, direct from Rome, buy yourself a brand new home.

　　Isn't that amazing ? The Pope...
　　Applause break number two.
　　It was amazing when the Pope gathered the cardinals in Rome and went...
　　The only problem is that he's dressed like Liberace stunt double.

　　I have a solution, though !
　　For problem priests, a little shock collar, going near a kid it's like:
　　'You know, Timmy...
　　Tommy, I think... !
　　Or the automated confessional, could be fun.
　　'If this is a venal sin, press one.
　　If this is a carnal sin, press two.
　　If this is cardinal law, please stay on the line.'
　　Cause you have to remember, it's not just a sin, it's a felony!
　　So we have to keep track!